Help! I'm in a modern life.

Modern life is a damned dangerous thing!
We're all getting stupider, teenagers are becoming cyborgs and I have no idea how to do anything modern, like getting a damned date.
Louis CK has said that women are incredibly brave to agree to dating men. It's true when, looking back at history, you realise that ever since the dawn of the human race men have been the number one threat to women.
And yet we still do it, ladies! Knowing that getting into a car, alone, with a man, is willingly knowing that statistically, you go to your death. And yet there's no "Dating for Dummies" handbook, or if there is, I'm desperately in need of one. Plus, there's probably several.

And here's where I have a little beef with magazines like Cosmopolitan, because they've probably misunderstood the question "How do we (women) get their attention?" So I'm going to rephrase this to "How do we get their attention WITHOUT BEING NAKED?" Granted, great looks or a fantastic makeup artist always helps, but I always think that that's not enough.
And so I kindly submit to the world a few ground rules about dating and socialising:

To all the men:
1) CUT OUT THE WOLF-WHISTLING, effective immediately. In case none of you have noticed, we're not birds. As such, whistling isn't going to get us to shed our feathers and flap into a nest with you.
2) Please don't say you're looking at our "necklaces". 9 times out of 10, you don't actually mean it. Women know you most likely don't mean it, but please feel free to take your eyes back!
3) There's no need to have a Chris Pratt or Hugh Jackman-esque body, or chivalry, boys! Chivalry is just a code for medieval bloodthirstiness, and I'd rather you had good manners and some idea of how to treat a woman well, although the whole good-looking body thing would be a bonus as well. Just be at least marginally better than OK in bed, and have that stupid line ready from Dirty Dancing.

To all the women:
1) For everyone looking for their Mr. Right, stop! Consider what his first name is likely to be and let's face it - he's going to be either Mr. Always Right and never shut up, or Mr. Never Right, in which case you'll end up walking all over him.
2) Calling all women who have tried any of the following: Losing a shoe, collecting cutlery underwater, eating poisonous fruit, sleeping for long periods of time, talking with teapots, running away from home only to be chased by men who thought you stole an apple, making friends with trees and raccoons, masquerading as a man in the army, growing your hair out, locking yourself in a tower, and moving to the bayou to start your own restaurant. If you've tried all of this and still aren't having any luck just give up, before you do something really embarrassing.
3) There's no need to have a J-Lo bum or Paris Hilton looks. As long as you're marginally smarter than Hilton, have a few tricks in the bedroom and a quote from your man's favourite TV series, then he will love you forever.

Just General Tips:
1) to every damn "know-it-all" out there - you're only getting on people's nerves. If you say you're a self confessed "know-it-all", then please understand: Unless your name is God or Google, you don't know it all. You're just annoying.
2) Once we hit teenagerhood, we all become fluent in three languages: our native language, sarcasm and innuendo. If a child is asking something you think they shouldn't know just yet, tell them they'll understand when they're a teenager.
3) Never "can" the sarcasm. It's far better when it's served up fresh. If it's stale, then I pity the person you're using it on.
4) Anyone who considers themselves a smartarse needs to consider whether they actually smart or not. Half the time, you're just an arse.

In the end, we need to take life with a large dose of humour. It doesn't matter if we don't meet The One and fall in love; with the number of humans on the planet, we need to dial down the rabbit level of breeding!
We also take life far too seriously. A world where newscasters say "Good Morning" or "Good Evening" and then tell you a million reasons why it isn't is a world where comedians should be worshipped as the Fountains of Happiness and the saviours of souls. But I absolutely agree with Mignon McLaughlin who described the three horrors of life and, I honestly believe that if you spend your life trying to avoid or prevent these three horrors, then yours is a life well lived:

"The three horrors of modern life: talk without meaning, desire without love, and work without satisfaction."

Never say anything you don't mean, never give into desire unless you're certain love isn't a factor, and never settle for a job you don't enjoy. That's just the basic way to survive and enjoy a modern life.